How To Cook A Husband
A good many husbands are spoiled by mismanagement in cooking and so are not tender and good. Some women keep them too constantly in hot water; others let them freeze by their carelessness and indifference; others constantly keep them in a pickle. Some put them in a stew by irritating ways and words.
It cannot be supposed that any husband will be tender and good managed this way, but they are truly delicious if properly treated and he will keep you as long as you want to have him.
In selecting your husband you should not be guided by the silvery appearance, as in buying mackeral, nor by the golden tint, as if you wanted salmon.
Be sure and select him yourself as tastes differ. Don't go to the market for him, as the best are always brought to your door. It is far better to have none unless you know how to cook him. A preserving kettle of finest porcelain is best, but if you have nothing but an earthenware pipkin, it will do with care. See that the linen in which you wrap him is nicely washed and mended, with the required number of strings nicely sewed on. Tie him in the kettle by a strong silk cord called comfort, as the one called duty is apt to be weak and they are apt to fly out of the kettle and be burned and crusty on the edges, since, like crabs and lobsters, you have to cook them alive.
Make a clear steady fire out of love, cleanliness and cheerfulness. Set him as near this as seems to agree with him. If he sputters and fizzles, do not be anxious; some husbands do this till they are quite done. Add a little sugar in the form of what confectioners call kisses, but no vinegar or pepper in any amount; a little spice improves them, but it must be used with judgment. Do not stick any sharp instrument into him to see if he is becoming tender. Stir him gently; watch the while, lest he lie flat and too close to the ketttle, and so become useless. You cannot fail to know when he is done. If thus treated you will find him very digestible, agreeing nicely with you and the children, and he will stay with you as long as you want, unless you become careless and set him in too cold a place.
Source: Anonymous, Bermuda Royal Gazette 1916
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