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More Erma-isms
Someday when my children are
old enough to understand the logic that motivates a
mother and father, I will tell them.
I loved you enough to ask you about where you were going,
with whom, and what time you would get home.
I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that
your hand-picked friend was a creep.
I loved you enough to make you return the "Milky
Way" with the bite out of it--to a drugstore and to
confess, "I stole this."
I loved you enough to stand over you for 2 hours while
you cleaned your room, a job that would have taken me 15
minutes.
I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment,
disgust, and tears in my eyes.
I loved you enough to admit I was wrong and asked for
your forgiveness.
I loved you enough to let you stumble, fall, and get
hurt.
I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility
for your actions at 6, 10, and 16.
But most of all, I loved you enough to say "no"
when you hated me for it. That was the hardest part of
all.
--Erma Bombeck
A PRAYER FOR PARENTS
Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they're stuffing down the sink,
Or who they're with, or where they're at
And what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well, heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
--Erma Bombeck
No More Oatmeal Cookies
--Erma Bombeck
Ok. One of these days, you'll shout, "Why don't you
kids grow up and act your age!" And they will. Or,
"You guys get outside and find yourselves something
to do...and don't slam the door!" And they won't.
You'll straighten up the kid's bedrooms near and tidy:
bumper stickers discarded, bedspread tucked and smooth,
toys displayed on the shelves. Hangers in the closet.
Animals caged. And you'll say out loud, "Now I want
it to stay this way." And it will.
You'll prepare perfect dinner with a salad that hasn't
been picked to death and a cake with no finger traces in
the icing, and you'll say, "Now, there's a meal for
company." And you'll eat it alone.
You'll say, "I want complete privacy on the phone.
No dancing around. No demolition crews. Silence -- do you
hear?" And you'll have it.
No more plastic table clothes stained with spaghetti. No
more bedspreads to protect the sofa from damp bottoms. No
more gates to stumble over at the top of the basement
steps. No more clothes pins under the sofa. No more
playpens to arrange the room around.
No more anxious nights under a vaporizer tent. No more
dand on the sheets. No more iron-on patches, rubber bands
for ponytails, tight boots or wet knotted shoestrings.
Imagine. A lipstick with a point on it. No baby-sitter
for New Year's Eve. Washing once a week. Seeing a steak
that isn't ground. Having your teeth cleaned without a
baby on your lap.
No more PTA meetings. No car pools. No blaring radios. No
one washing her hair at 11 o'clock at night. Having your
own roll of scotch tape.
Think about it. No more Christmas presents out of tooth
picks and library paste. No more sloppy oatmeal kisses.
No more tooth fairy. No giggles in the dark. No knees to
heal, no responsibility.
Only a voice crying, "Why don't you grow up?"
and the silence echoing, "I did."
from webmistress Eireann
Ten Reasons Why
Laughter Is The Best Road
To Health And Fitness
1. It is less expensive than drugs, herbs or therapy.
2. A good belly laugh is better for the abs than sit-ups.
3. It is an activity you can enjoy anywhere (except your
daughter's piano recital).
4. It requires no expensive equipment.
5. It can take place in large groups or by yourself. (We
suggest you put a limit on the time you spend sitting
alone in public laughing hysterically).
6. You never stop laughing halfway through like you might
put down a self-help book.
7. Laughing leaves no aftertaste or bad breath.
8. Have you ever seen a sick hyena?
9. No one has ever been mugged while laughing.
10. George Burns lived to be 100.
from listmistress Shirley
This site is fun to go
through. I've found that some of the links are outdated,
but most work fine. There are some very good links on
this page for free stuff. Some of the samples are for the
US only but there are several for other countries too.
I hope you all have as much fun with this as I have....:
)
http://www.freeyellow.com/members7/buttercup2000/index.html
from our ListHostess Shirley
Please welcome our newest members to the HOMESPUN group:
BEVERLY, LINDA, SHEILA, DEE-DEE, RUBY, SHORT, J BULLOCK,
MICKY, ROSETTA, LORNA, THE CARR FAMILY, W SMITH, ALICE,
GAYLE, DELLA, MIKE, KYBRENDA, L J HELGERSON, MARY, and
ROCKINN.
Tell us a bit about yourselves...don't be shy...just jump
in!
Also, a big WELCOME HOME to PJAFLA.
Please welcome our newest
neighbors to the KITCHEN table: LINDA, ALICE, MCGREGORY,
and BT99PULL.
from Nancy
Here's one we're all
familiar with...
I Can't Remember
Just a line to say I'm
living
That I'm not among the dead,
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And mixed up in the head.
I'm used to my arthritis
To my dentures I'm resigned
I can manage my bifocals
But god, I miss my mind
Sometimes I Can't remember
When I'm at the foot of stairs
If I Must go up for something
Or I just came down from there
And before the fridge, so often
My mind is filled with doubt
Have I just put food away?
Of did I come to take it out?
There are times when it is dark
With my nightcap on my head
I don't know if I'm retiring
Of just getting out of bed.
So at my turn to write you
There's no need in getting sore
I may think that I have written
and not want to be a bore.
So remember that I love you
And I wish that you were near,
Now it's time to mail this letter
So I say, "Good bye, my dear."
Here I stand beside the mail box
With my face so very red.
Instead of mailing you this letter,
I opened it instead!
from Mary Ann
The Paradox of Our Time in
History
`*:»§«§§§»§«:*:»§«§§§»§«:*´
Interesting:
º°`°º
The paradox of our time in
history is that we
have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider
freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend
more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.
º°`°ºº°`°º
We have bigger houses and
smaller families;
more conveniences, but less time; we have more
degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but
less judgment; more experts, but more problems;
more medicine, but less wellness.
º°`°º
We have multiplied our
possessions, but reduced
our values. We talk too much, love too seldom,
and hate too often. We've learned how to make
a living, but not a life; We've added years to life,
not life to years.
º°`°º
We've been all the way to
the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet the
new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but
not inner space; We've cleaned up the air, but polluted
the soul;
We've split the atom, but not our prejudice;
º°`°º
We have higher incomes, but
lower morals;
We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.
º°`°º
These are the times of tall men, and short character;
steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the
times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure,
but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of
fancier houses, but broken homes.
º°`°º
It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just hit delete...
ø¤º°`°º¤ø
More Gen Quips
Genealogy is my pastime, I shall not stray
It maketh me to lie down and examine tombstones
It leadeth me into still courthouses
It restoreth my Ancestral Knowledge
It leadeth me in the paths of census records and
ships' passenger lists for my surnames' sake
Yea, though I walk through
the shadows of research
libraries and microfilm readers
I shall fear no discouragement,
for a strong urge is within me
The curiosity and motivation, they comforteth me
It demandeth preparation of storage space for the
acquisition of countless
documents
It anointest my head with burning midnight oil
My family group sheets runneth over
Surely, birth, marriage, and death dates shall follow me
all the days of my life
And I shall dwell in the house of a family
history-seeker forever
from our ListHostess Shirley
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate expensive parts not far from the object we are
trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats
and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it
also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders
just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also
handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're
trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British
cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, splattering it against that freshly painted
part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of
light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned
guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to
the ground after you have installed your new front disk
brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a
motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for
getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in
bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill
bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating
grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing
the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you
may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount
prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring
sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your
toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a
doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt
light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of
the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its
name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round
off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it
into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and
rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
