THE FIVE STAGES OF PARENTING

by Jan Faull

WHEN YOU'RE a new parent, you're so busy changing diapers, nursing, rocking, singing and cooing that it's nearly impossible to project ahead to the time when your helpless baby will be a toddler throwing a tantrum, much less a teenager negotiating a curfew. And it's even harder to imagine what your role will be in those situations. Yet it's important to realize early that with every stage of your child's development, your parenting approach must change to accommodate new responsibilities and challenges.

Take baking cookies: It's a completely different activity with your infant than it is with your teenager. And whatever your child's stage of development, it's impossible to vouch for how the cookies will turn out; but, if you mix the following advice into your parenting recipe, the process will be more palatable.

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INFANCY: PARENT ON CALL

WHEN YOUR child is an infant, he demands and deserves instant gratification. He's helpless and has no internal resources to call on to manage himself if you try to put him off. Your role is that of loving slave; cookie baking, or for that matter anything, must wait until your baby is asleep or, at least, content.

When he's hungry, you nurse him now; if he needs to cling, you carry him until his need for physical contact is satisfied; if he's too warm or cold, you busy yourself adjusting his clothing and the room temperature until he's comfy. By attending on cue, you build trust, helping him understand that whenever he's in a needy state, you'll be there--a key ingredient to your child's emotional security. Your baby thrives under such responsive care.

It's also up to you to engage your infant in social interaction, baby style, which includes smiling and cooing, tickling and singing. You may try to pass baby off to Grandma but often it's you, and you alone, baby demands. He likes your voice and smiling face best.

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TODDLER YEARS: PARENT AS CAMP COUNSELOR

AS YOUR toddler's "camp counselor" you're responsible for recreational activities, safety and nurture. Your job now is to provide the opportunity for your child to explore and experiment, while making sure she remains safe. So cookie baking is great fun for you and your toddler, as long as you don't care how the cookies turn out or whether they get made at all. She learns and is happiest when copying you and will likely want to be right by your side, tasting, stirring and insisting, "Me do it." Set your toddler on a stool, and give her a bowl with a few ingredients of her own to mix. Expect a mess, and for safety's sake, keep an eye out for any movement toward danger.

Your toddler's internal developmental clock dings loudly for independence. This independent streak may tell her to dump liquid soap into your cookie batter. When you say no, don't expect her to comply. It's your job to provide the control she lacks by taking the soap away, then prepare yourself for her emotional meltdown.

Your frustration level may rise, too, but it's up to you to maintain calm and not desert your child. Once her temper tantrum subsides, continue making those cookies. You may wish you had spent the afternoon playing on your toddler's terms and buying cookies from the bakery, but take heart: Life smooths out as your child approaches her third year.

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PRESCHOOL YEARS: PARENT AS TEACHER

AT NO time is your child more ready to learn quickly and avidly from emulating you. Preschoolers relish completing a task just as you request. So, when you say, "Pour this cup of flour in that bowl," your child will do so happily. And whether it's putting toys away, getting dressed or learning to use scissors, glue and marking pens, your child will learn best when you teach in baby steps, recognizing degrees of progress along the way: "Good for you. You put your shirt on all by yourself. Now put on your pants. I'll watch." Language and self-control acquisition enable the teaching process.

As you and your preschooler frost your heart-shaped cookies, yours may be perfect, his less so, but he doesn't notice. He simply benefits from the process. But if you leave the room, your preschooler might take the initiative to add green food coloring to the pink frosting. With the frosting now gray, what do you do?

It's natural for you to become irritated, so you might reprimand your child for proceeding without permission. But there's no need to pour on too much guilt. If you do, you'll take away his initiative. With a measure of calm, talk about what he did, evaluating the effect when green is mixed with pink.

You'll often see your preschooler reenacting his experiences through imaginative play. Your job is to provide props and a playmate for such dramatic play to unfold. By doing so, he resifts the activity through his mental processes. So give him some empty food coloring bottles and a bowl; you might see him pretend to experience again what occurred when pink is mixed with green.

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SCHOOL-AGE YEARS: PARENT AS MENTOR

DURING THE school years of six to 11, your child takes charge of her projects, but she still needs you by her side, coaching. When baking cookies, you become her mentor to success. Your school-aged child may not know that "T" means tablespoon and "t" means teaspoon. So, go ahead and impose yourself, gently engaging your child's intellect: "Before you get started, it's important to know some of the abbreviations used in baking."

If your child goofs up as the project gets underway, you need only say, "That's too bad. Would you like me to help you remedy the situation?" You walk a fine line here. It's important to offer information and assistance, just do it without taking over or making your child feel inadequate.

It's not only cookie baking that school-aged kids need to take charge of, but bedrooms, allowances, homework, computer work and hobbies. This switch from parent-in-charge to child-in-charge is a tough one for many parents to make. Don't give up parenting; you can move from your former role of teacher to mentor with grace. Your child needs you in the kitchen but not directing every teaspoon and tablespoon she adds to the batter.

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TEENAGE YEARS:
PARENT AS PERSONA NON GRATA

WHEN YOUR teenager bakes cookies, he doesn't even want you in the kitchen. With the final push for independence on, the teen's internal timer is ticking down, alerting him that in a few years he'll be on his own. He begins practicing for adulthood now.

It's your job to hold back and let your teen decide things for himself: Will he take French or Spanish, or join the debate or baseball team? And when he's baking cookies, even if he wrongly substitutes baking powder for baking soda, he needs to complete the task and many similar ones independent of your well-intentioned advice.

You'll realize the most success when you offer objective, succinct pieces of information: "I smell cookies burning." "If you get a ticket, your insurance rate goes up."

Support your teen's push for independence as long as it's safe. If you say no to a weekend at the ocean with friends, tell your kids, "It's only because I love you so much. As a responsible parent, I can't allow it."

Also learn what you can and can't control. You control the TV, the telephone, the keys to the car and the stereo volume. You can't control your teen's thinking, attitude, emotions, or eating and sleeping habits, so don't use your energy trying.

Teens argue every point from curfews to political philosophy. When negotiating curfews, if you or your teen reaches the boiling point, end the conversation. When it comes to political philosophy, sexual health and values, go ahead and have your say, just understand that even the most well-meaning parent looks like an adversary to a teenager.

Although there are no cookie-cutter kids, and no recipe for guaranteed success, with this method you'll build the parent-child relationship while enhancing your child's development.

( Jan Faull, a child development and behavior specialist, is in her 20th year as a parent education instructor and public speaker. She is also the author of MOMMY! I HAVE TO GO POTTY!: A PARENT'S GUIDE TO TOILET TRAINING (Raefield & Roberts).. Faull lives with her husband and three children in Renton, Washington. )

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