Prairie Home Companion
SATURDAY, MAY 11, 1996
Celebrities: Mother's Day
Time once again for Famous Celebrities (THEME), brought
to you by WilMar, makers of UniFam. It is Mother's Day
this weekend and of course famous people have mothers too
and some of them are mothers, so let's see what they're
up to. How about you, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): Well, I just think that mothers are so
important. And I think that of all the things this
Administration has accomplished, the things I'm most
proud of were things we did for mothers.
GK: Like what?
TR (CLINTON): Well, there've been so many things, but for
example, our bill to give a $15 tax credit to people who
write at least once a month to their mothers, and then
there was our National Nap Act, and the President's Task
Force on Hugging, and----
GK: So there've been quite a few things.
TR (CLINTON): On the other hand, fathers are important
too, and maybe we haven't done enough for fathers, so
we're going to be looking at that too, and also at
cousins. Our National Cousin Commission is looking at
some proposals right now.
GK: Thank you. Mr. Perot---
TR (PEROT): You want to know something? We're losin our
mothers to Mexico. It's as simple as that. Thousands of
American mothers went there this winter and even more
will go next year. Now that's what I call pulling out the
driveway after the trailer's been unhitched. I say, we've
got to keep our mothers at home. It's just that simple.
GK: How about you, President Bush?
TR (BUSH): Well, thinking of Mother's Day, and all the
various memories that brings to mind ----And of course
there's Bar, fine mother in her own right, gotta hand to
it her, delivered the goods, and then there was my
mother, I tell you.....nobody like her.....I remember
when the chauffeur would come to take me to school,
Mother always said, "Bunnyhuggins----" she
called me Bunnyhuggins.....she said,
"Bunnyhuggins....you go on to school and you try to
talk in complete sentences now," so I did and always
tried....still trying.....not easy....mind kind of races
ahead, you know.....sometimes I like a martini to put on
the brakes....yes sir. Call it my silver parachute.
GK: Thank you, Mr. President. Senator Dole, a word about
TR (DOLE): Well, let me tell you something about Bob
Dole's mother. She didn't bring up Bob Dole to think that
it was going to be easy. No sir.
GK: I see.
TR (DOLE): And it's not.
GK: I see.
TR (DOLE): People keep talking about Bob Dole being
uncomfortable with himself. Not true. Bob Dole is the
same guy now that he was then.
GK: I see.
TR (DOLE): People wonder why Bob Dole is a little weird.
It's not Bob Dole who's changed. The world has changed.
That's the whole problem right there.
GK: Thank you, Senator. How about you, Julia----- what do
you like to do for Mother's Day?
TR (JULIA): Oh, I always make my forty pound salmon loaf
for Mother's Day.
GK: I see.
TR (JULIA): I take forty pounds of ground salmon and I
shape it into the form of a small child. See? Make the
nose and mouth and the cheeks and a couple of boiled eggs
for eyeballs and I put a little T-shirt on it and shorts
and I put an apple in its mouth and I bake it in the
oven, and when I take it out, it always causes a few
GK: I can imagine.
TR (JULIA): Yes. Gives the children quite a start.
Especially when I slice it. Like this....
GK: All right. Thank you. Mr. Secretary, how do you like
to celebrate Mother's Day?
TR (KISSINGER): Well, I always call my Mother out in
Bismarck, North Dakota, and I say hello and we talk,
that's what I do.
GK: Your mother is in Bismarck, North Dakota?
TR (KISSINGER): Yes, she lives there in Bismarck. With my
father. They're both there. In the house. That's where I
GK: You grew up in North Dakota?
TR (KISSINGER): Yes, of course. In Bismarck.
GK: I thought you were from Germany.
TR (KISSINGER): No, no, goodness no. Bismarck. Do you
know where North Dakota is?
GK: Yes, of course. But your accent, Mr. Kissinger. Isn't
that a German accent?
TR (KISSINGER): I suppose it is. Yes.
GK: You learned that in North Dakota?
TR (KISSINGER): No, no, I got this accent when I went to
Harvard. You ever hear how people out in North Dakota
TR (KISSINGER): Well, you can't talk like that and go to
Harvard. People will think you're a dummy.
GK: I see.
TR (KISSINGER): You talk like this, they think you know
GK: I see. How's your mother?
TR (KISSINGER): She's just fine. Thank you.
GK: Good. Thank you. Mr. Rogers? Do you call up your
Mother on Mother's Day?
TR (ROGERS): Yes, of course, I call up my mother. I call
her up after three o'clock in the afternoon. Because my
mother lives in a big pink apartment building on the
Strip in Las Vegas. Yes, she does. My mother lives in a
building with a giant pink rabbit on top of it and she
goes to work as a blackjack dealer every night at ten and
comes home at seven in the morning. And that's how Mr.
Rogers started to talk like this. Because he had to be
very quiet while Mother got her rest. Yes, he did. But
sometimes Mr. Rogers would go and move Mother's hands
while she was sleeping. Just like she was my puppet. Yes,
I did. And I'd move her lips and make her say things. I
made her say, "I like you just the way you are. I
like you even more the way you are than I like Dad the
way he is."
GK: Mr. Rogers---
TR (ROGERS): I'm speaking to the children now.
GK: I'm sorry.
TR (ROGERS): I didn't say it was time for questions now,
GK: I guess not.
TR (ROGERS): I'm a friend of children.
GK: That's good.
TR (ROGERS): And that's because I trust children.
GK: I'm glad you do.
TR (ROGERS): I wouldn't trust you farther than I could
GK: Thank you. That's all the time we have today (THEME)
for Famous Celebrities, brought to you by MarCon, makers
of DelRay. (OUT)
Copyright 1996, by Garrison Keillor
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