I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's
(sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people celebrating the fact that
the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose
neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of
Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual
chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name
to KFC).Anyway,
one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of
ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY
HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!", but he was
afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on
his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join
the crew"!
He knew it wasn't a hoax
because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a
global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00
Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.
It's true - I read it all
last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free
Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.
The poor man then tried to
call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first
asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at
the guy's expense.
Then reaching into the
coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note
that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS". Luckily he was only a few blocks from
the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last
wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society
has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and
one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward
it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only
have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN
YEARS.
So anyway the poor guy tried
to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without
its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part
of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends
who send you mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms - if you don't, the owner of
Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad
luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate
will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your
arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true
'cause I read it on the Internet! |