Art Ibach's Jokes

All of Art's jokes are rated Gwhiz by the joke filtering committee. Art Ibach's friends and family are not responsible for the humor or possible fatal consequences of these jokes.

No Pun Intended

Once upon a time in a land far far away (we'll call it England) there was a king. In the King's court was a jester. The Jester had a real talent for puns, and shared them with the King at every opportunity. The King, however, hated puns more than anything. In fact, puns so annoyed the King that he issued a proclamation banning puns from his kingdom. Anyone caught creating or distributing puns was to be hung immediately.

When the Jester heard his King's proclamation, he immediately requested an audience. Appearing before the King, he begged to have the new rule revoked. The King, however, refused. The following dialog ensued.

King: "Why can't you tell normal jokes like other Jesters?"
Jester: "Ok, I'll try. Name a subject."
King: "How about the King?"
Jester: "But the King is not a subject."

This blatant pun angered the King greatly. He demanded that the Jester try again, and this time be serious. The Jester agreed, and thought long and hard before speaking.

Jester: "You know, our Queen may be a wonder, but Queen Mary was a Tudor."

This was too much for the King, he ordered that the Jester be hung. However, when he saw his old Jester up on the gallows he was filled with sympathy.

"Listen," said the King, "I'll give you one last chance. If you can go for one more week without telling me any puns, I'll let you live."

The Jester agreed, and was escorted down from the gallows. When he reached the ground he looked back up at the swinging rope and said to the King

"You know its true what they say."
"What's that?" asked the King.
"No noose is good noose."

The Jester was promptly hung.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father? "The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady, with a cane, came up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, whispered to his son, "Go get your Mother."

The Secret to a Long Life

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

The Alabama Ice Fishermen

There were two old boys from Alabama who loved to fish. They wanted to do some ice fishing that they'd heard about in Minnesota, so they took off to try it. The lake was frozen nicely, so they stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

After they got their equipment, they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?

""Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the stupid boat in the water yet."

The Turtle

 Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again,jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to hermate.  "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Seeing is Believing
 
After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it
was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror
and looks in it.  Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy,
didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before
leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day
after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the old gal he's
runnin' after."

More to Come!

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